I miss you more
by satellitecall1
Summary: Missing scene between "People Persons" (4x11) and "The Animals" (4x12). Alex can't handle the guilt over killing Aydin, and tries to confess. Piper wakes up alone, looking for Alex. Fills in the blanks before the "doomed to be together" conversation.


_A/N 1: Confession: I've had most of this written since last year, but haven't had the time to finish it up. But with the new season of Orange looming,_ _it was a good motivation to finish this up and post this.  
_

 _So, I after watching season 4, I wondered what happened to Alex between her attempted confession to CO Rikerson in"People Persons" (4x11) and her 'doomed to be together' talk with Piper in "The Animals" (4x12). And I wondered what Piper might have experience after Alex left her to confess._

 _I hope you enjoy it. Let me know what you think!_

 _What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?  
What's gonna be left of the world, oh_

 _Every minute and every hour_  
 _I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more_  
 _Every stumble and each misfire_  
 _I miss you, I miss you, I miss you more_

* * *

Piper had fallen asleep.

Alex wasn't quite sure when it happened. It was after Alex stopped wondering about punishments and death penalties out loud, and after Piper slowed down her reassurances that everything would be fine. After a while, Piper just sat beside Alex on her bunk, her presence only somewhat comforting. Piper rested her head on Alex's shoulder, something no guard would have allowed if they weren't preoccupied, and Alex turned her head, her lips ghosting across Piper's hairline in an almost kiss. She felt Piper sigh softly, could see a small smile let loose across her lips, and soon after, Piper fell asleep.

But Alex's mind kept churning. She kept going back and forth in her mind about what to do. Should she take the easy route, _the selfish route,_ and just let things play out? She would get more time here, with Piper, before it all came crashing down, like it always did. And Alex really wanted that, more time with Piper. She always wants that.

But the guilt twisted inside of her, almost burning through her chest. She had killed someone. Not even just a random someone, but Aydin, a former friend. And now Red might go down for it. And Lolly still thought that she actually killed Aydin, rather than Alex. And it was all getting to be too much.

* * *

It felt like it had been hours, and Red still hadn't come back. Hell, for all Alex knew, they already charged Red with Aydin's murder and dragged her away to Max or the SHU.

It wasn't fair, Red didn't deserve this. She was protecting Alex for no reason. Alex wasn't a part of Red's family. If anything, Red tolerated her because she hung around with Nicky and because of the shit secret Alex had thrust upon her.

She had to confess. For Red's sake and for Lolly's.

But what would she tell Piper?

Piper was still sleeping beside her, exhausted from everything that had transpired over the last few days ( _God, had it really only been a few days since they smoked crack in the cornfield?)._ Piper would try to talk Alex out of it, she knew that. But Alex had to confess; she couldn't let Red go down for this. And she didn't know if she could do it without at least saying goodbye to Piper, without looking in her eyes one last time and telling her that she loved her, even after everything.

If she didn't wake Piper, she would wake up alone, with no idea where Alex had gone. She would have to find out from some random prisoner or CO, and she may never forgive Alex.

Alex wasn't sure what would be worse: waking up Piper in order to tell her goodbye, or letting her sleep on, oblivious to the fact that she would never see Alex again.

 _Legs open,_ Piper's voice suddenly filled her head, bringing her back to their conversation from a few hours ago, before Piper had fallen asleep.

" _Legs open," Piper muttered, her voice muffled, her cheek pressed against Alex's shoulder._

" _What?" Piper had been quiet for a few minutes, and Alex assumed she had drifted off to sleep._

" _Legs open," Piper repeated, her eyes still closed. "I wouldn't want to know if the end was coming. Rather be unaware," Piper's voice trailed off, shifting against Alex's shoulder and sighing._

" _Hmm," was all Alex could reply as Piper's breathing evened out, and she slipped easily into sleep._

Sure, Piper said that now, but did she really mean it?

As Alex debated whether or not to wake Piper up, she noticed a pattern in Piper's actions.

Piper's refusal to believe that sending Alex back would put her in danger, pushing away the guilt and convincing herself that she was keeping Alex safe.

Piper telling her " _for a while, ignorance was bliss"_ when she thought that someone other than Alex had named her.

Piper reacting to the news that Alex did name her, all those months ago, by pretending that everything was fine between them. Alex had to be the one to confront Piper, to force her to admit that everything was, in fact, not fine.

Yes, Alex realized, Piper would prefer to be left in the dark at the end. She would rather have weepy sex as the _Titanic_ went down rather than just weeping. And Alex could give her that.

Gently, Alex pushed herself off of her bunk, moving carefully so as not to disturb Piper. Fortunately, Piper was so exhausted that she didn't wake, just tilted to the side upon Alex's movement. She gently guided Piper down onto her bunk, pulling the blanket over her as she settled against the pillow. And then, while running her hand lightly over Piper's hair and touching her cheek, Alex allowed herself one last look at Piper.

For a moment, one selfish second, Alex thought about waking Piper to tell her goodbye, and that she loved her. It may be better for Piper to be oblivious, but it wasn't fair to Alex. The only other person Alex had ever loved was her mother, and she had never gotten to say goodbye. She should be allowed to say goodbye to Piper.

But that would be selfish, and it wouldn't be right. She knew exactly what would happen if she woke up Piper. Piper would cry and say the right things to blow holes in Alex's resolve, and she would stay on her bunk with Piper, leaving Red or Lolly to suffer the consequences of Alex's actions.

No, she had to do this. And she had to do it now. Alex tucked Piper's hair behind her ear one last time, her hand skimming Piper's cheek as she pulled away. Exhaling, Alex stood, creeping out of her bunk and walking toward the Bubble before she could change her mind.

Pausing for only a second, she knocked on the open door of the Bubble, waking up CO Rikerson.

"Yeah?" Rikerson jumped as he woke.

Rocking back on her heels once in the doorway, Alex forced herself to speak. "I need to talk to Piscatella."

* * *

As Piper woke, the first thing she noticed was that the lights were still on.

The second thing she noticed was that she was lying down, tucked into a bunk.

And before she fully regained consciousness, she realized she was alone.

 _Alex._

Piper shot up, trying to remember when she fell asleep. She remembered sitting with Alex, on the floor, and then on her bunk. She remembered Alex, terrified, asking about death penalties, and whether people on the _Titanic_ knew they were going to die or fucked the pain away. And she remembered Lolly and Alex talking and remembered silently holding Alex's hand after but not talking about what Lolly said, just being there for Alex.

But now Piper is awake, and she's here alone. She stopped paying attention and now Alex was gone. Just like a couple of months ago. A month ago and she found Alex to be annoying and dependent and Alex broke up with her. Leaving her alone in this god forsaken prison, though she was constantly surrounded by people.

And now Piper fell asleep and left Alex to deal with her thoughts and guilt. Where the hell is she?

For the first, time, Piper noticed movement across the cube. "Stevens?" Piper demanded, finally acknowledging one of Alex's bunkmates.

Alex's bunkie glared at her harshly "What?"

"Do you know where Alex is?"

"Dunno," Stevens shrugged, climbing up to her top bunk.

"Well, do you know when you last saw her?" Piper asked, her trembling voice betraying her fear. Panic was churning in her gut, berating her for falling asleep. _What if they came for Alex while she was still asleep? And she slept straight through it?_

"Last I saw her she was heading towards the bubble," Stevens responded, seemingly unaware of Piper's anxiety.

Relief flooded Piper. That's good, she thought. Alex probably just went to the bathroom, she'll be back any minute now.

"Don't know why she'd wanna talk to a guard though, after everything that's happened. It's like askin' for'em to give you a shot," Stevens continued, not even really talking to Piper.

"Wait, what do you mean, talk to a guard?"

Stevens sighed, looking up from her book. "I just told you, I saw Vause head to the Bubble. She knocked, and told Rikerson she had to talk to Piscatella. She said she had information."

"No," Piper gasped, ignoring Stevens' weird look. She frantically scanned the dorm, but couldn't see Alex. However, she saw Red entering their cube, shoulders sagging, exhaustion practically radiating off of her.

"No," Piper repeated, a little more desperately, and, without thinking, she took off for the CO Bubble.

 _She wouldn't do this, she wouldn't leave me._ Piper felt close to tears. Things were starting to get okay between them, Alex couldn't just leave her. And if she confessed, there was a very real chance Alex would get sent away to Max of the SHU, and Piper would never see her again. Alex couldn't do that to her.

Reaching the bubble, Piper knocked on the open door, interrupting a conversation between Rikerson and blake.

"Not now, Chapman," Rikerson sighed when he noticed her, turning back to Jennings.

"Where is Alex Vause?" Piper's demanded, her voice tinged with panic.

"Not now Chapman," Rikerson repeated firmly. "We're trying to wrap up this situation."

"But Alex-"

"Chapman, do you want us to send you to the SHU?" Jennings barked at her.

"Is Alex there?" Piper countered.

"Jesus Christ," Jennings muttered, crossing the bubble and standing directly in front of Piper. "Get back to your bunk. Now!" He pushed Piper back across the doorway and slammed the door to the Bubble shut.

Piper just stared at the door, mouth slightly agape. Rikerson said that they were wrapping up the guard's death. That meant they think that they caught someone, or someone was turned in.

No.

Piper whipped around. Red was back in their bunk. So was Johnson. And Cooper. As far as she could tell, everyone was in the dorm. Except Alex.

No. She couldn't. She wouldn't.

 _But what if she did?_ Piper's mind was racing. _What if she turned herself in?_

If Alex was gone, how was Piper going to survive her last few months in prison? She had lost everything in that panty smuggling ring: her kind of friends, her respect, her dignity. Hell, she had even lost sight of Alex, what should have been the most important thing. And even after everything, after cheating on Alex with Stella and her gangsta' power trip, Alex was still there. She was the only person around who still cared. Even Nicky, who had been happy to see her when she got back from Max, was now preoccupied with Lorna and drugs. If it wasn't for Alex, she would be totally alone in here.

So Alex couldn't be gone. If she was, Piper would have no one left. She would be truly alone in this place, hated by everyone. How would she survive? The idea of Piper being in here without Alex was like a knife to her chest, after the past few days, Piper didn't think she would be able to bear the pain of being without Alex.

Just as she felt her chest start to cave, and the tears spill over, she looked to the right, into Lolly's cube. Maybe she could befriend Lolly, for both of their sake. Lolly would probably be lonely without Alex around too. It wouldn't be enough; nowhere near having Alex in prison with her, even if she never spoke to Piper again, but she could try. She could befriend Lolly for Alex.

But instead of Lolly, she found Alex, hunched over on a bottom bunk clutching a potato, and crying.

"Alex," Piper exhaled, her racing heart slowing almost instantly, relief filling every part of her. Without thinking, she rushed to Alex, sitting beside her on the bunk before she even realized what she was doing.

But Alex remained immobile, her head pressed against the potato, eyes closed. She looked wrecked.

"Alex," Piper began softly. When she didn't receive an answer, she trailed her hand down Alex's spine in what she hoped was a soothing manner. "Al, what's wrong?"

"I was too late," Alex croaked out, her eyes still screwed shut.

Piper's hand stilled. "What do you mean you were too late?"

Alex finally turned her head, still holding the potato, and looked at Piper, whose heart seized instantly Even without tears, Alex's eyes were puffy and red, filled with regret.

"Alex, what did you do?" The relief at seeing Alex was dissipating, leaving her as quickly as it had come.

"They'd had Red for hours," Alex began, her voice cracking. "And she hadn't come back yet. All I could think about was that they must have had something on her, something to make them believe she had done it. And I couldn't-"

"But they weren't only holding Red," Piper cut in, her voice tinged with desperation. "They also called Kukudio, and Johnson, and Suzanne, and-"

"I know, I know," Alex interrupted softly, glancing around the dorm. Lights out hadn't been called yet, and people were still milling around in groups, discussing what had happened. "But it felt unfair to let Red get taken in for questioning. She doesn't owe me anything. If anything, I owe her for burying the body in her garden and then telling her about it. I dragged her into this mess, and she didn't deserve to go down for it."

"But Red's back in our cube, and Blake said that they were wrapping up the investigation..." Piper trailed off as Alex broke eye contact, now staring pointedly at the floor. Again, unease began to churn inside Piper, and she repeated her question from a few minutes ago. "What did you do?"

Alex inhaled sharply. Even though she was still staring at the floor, Piper could practically feel the guilt radiating off of Alex. "I, umm..." Alex trailed off, pulling her glasses off of her head and adjusting them on her nose before looking over at Piper again. "I went to Rikerson. I asked to speak to Piscatella so I could confess."

"You did what?" Piper exclaimed, looking around the dorm frantically, expecting to see Piscatella and the other COs heading towards them to take Alex away from her. "Alex, why would you do that? When? How much time do you have? Don't say anything to anyone else, do you understand me?"

"Pipes-" Alex began quietly, but Piper continued to talk over her.

"I'm going to call Larry. He still owes me for the whole Polly thing. I'll get his dad to represent you, we may be able to figure out a way to get the confession thrown out, to say you were coerced..."

"Piper," this time Alex cut her off. "They took Lolly into custody. Healy turned her in. I guess she confessed in their counseling sessions."

"Oh thank god," Piper breathed, relief filling her so fast it was almost unbearable. It had been such a long few days. She's so tired, so overwhelmed, and just like that Piper began to cry.

"Oh thank god" Piper sobbed again, pulling Alex into her and hugging her tight, guards be damned. "Oh thank god, Alex."

"I should have gone to Piscatella earlier," Alex confessed as she pulled away from Piper.

"What? Why would you do that?"

"Because Lolly didn't kill hum," Alex snapped. "She thought she did, because she caught him trying to strangle me, but when I went back to the tool shed that night to get rid of the body, he was still alive. So I had to do it. I had to," Alex gasped, wrenching her glasses off of her face and pressing the heel of her palms against her eyes to stop the tears.

"But Lolly thinks she killed him..."

"That doesn't mean she deserves to be blamed for it," Alex snapped again, the bite in her words diminished by her tears. "She saved my life, she shouldn't be punished for something she didn't do."

"But she confessed to Healy months ago, and they know about her mental history. Lolly will go to Psych, not Max. She'll get the treatment she needs," Piper insisted, determined to talk Alex off of this ledge. Piper needs Alex here, not in Max, and she needs Alex to realize this. She knows it's selfish, and that she's condemning Lolly, but prison has taught Piper that she can be a selfish, manipulative person, so she may as well own it. Right now, she needs Alex in Litchfield with her, and she'll commit any selfish act to keep here there.

"Suzanne once told you that Psych was worse than the SHU," Alex said tiredly before looking up, determination fighting it's way across Alex's face. "Maybe it's not too late. I can still go and talk to Piscatella..."

"Alex, no!" and Piper is crying again, gripping Alex's shoulders to prevent her from standing. "Please don't do it. Please don't leave me."

"Piper-"

"Alex, please," Piper is practically sobbing now, her voice no longer a controlled calm. Her tone is rising, and a few of the other inmates standing outside Lolly's cube are starting to stare at them. "Please Alex, I can't be in here without you."

Alex's expression was pained. "It's not right Piper. It's not fair to Lolly. And what if Lolly talks, and someone in Psych believes her? Then Red could go down. And Frieda. Then I ruin three peoples lives. You only have a few months left. You can do it, you could get through it alone."

"No," Piper shakes her head furiously, tears in her eyes. "Please don't do this. I won't make it."

"You did just fine for eight years," Alex retorted, anger twisted throughout the statement.

"Barely," Piper dismissed, thinking back at her life after she left Alex in Paris. She was miserable. Sure, she had told Polly it was an easy break-up, that she didn't even miss Alex. And other than Polly, there was no one else to tell. But inside, Piper felt as if she had been ripped in half. For months, she felt unmoored, just floating through life without Alex holding her steady. Meeting Larry offered her that stability she craved, but it was tainted; it wasn't the same. It wasn't Alex.

"Alex please," Piper continued to beg. She didn't care how pathetic she sounded. "I tried to make it in here on my own without you, and look where I ended up." She rolled up her sleeve, pointing at the scars from the swastika-turned-window on her arm. Alex shuddered and looked away, but didn't respond.

"Please don't leave me," Piper whispered, her heart in her throat. Alex faced her again, her expression so twisted with guilt and pain that the wind was almost knocked out of her. She wanted to comfort Alex, needed to comfort Alex, but didn't know what to say. So, she did what always worked before. Sliding closer and pressing her forehead against Alex's, Piper brought one hand to Alex's face, wiping away the tears that had spilled over. With her free hand swimming through Alex's hair, they sat their, Piper trying to as much soothing comfort as she could through her touch.

Soon, far too soon, the lights in the Dorms flickered, and a CO came over the loudspeaker. "All inmates return to your cube for count. Lights out in two minutes."

Alex pulled away first, standing up slowly. Piper was again gripped with panic, and upon standing, she grabbed Alex's face with her hands, forcing Alex to look her in the eyes.

"Do not do anything," Piper demanded. "Do not say anything to anyone."

Alex opened her mouth to protest, but Piper jumped in again.

"Please, Alex. Please, for me, don't say anything," Inhaling deeply, Piper pulled a phrase from a conversation they had in what felt like a lifetime ago. "Don't you fucking leave me."

Recognition crossed Alex's expression, and in the following moment, the fight had left Alex. Her shoulders sank, glancing to the floor before meeting Piper's gaze. "Goodnight, Piper," she said softly, reaching up and taking Piper's hands from her shoulders, squeezing them softly.

Piper gave a small nod, "Night, Alex. See you in the morning."

Alex nodded, moving past Piper to stand outside her cube. Piper followed, heading towards her own bunk. Standing outside her cube, she stared at Alex throughout the count, even though Alex just stared straight ahead. When count was finished, Piper climbed into her cube, still staring towards Alex's bed. And when the lights went out, Piper laid in her bed, vigilantly listening for signs of movement, for signs of Alex trying to confess while Piper wasn't paying attention.

But Piper was so tired. She had to make sure that Alex didn't act irrationally, but she could barely keep her eyes open. At last check, it was almost three in the morning, though it felt like Piper had been awake for the past week.

So, despite her best efforts to stay awake, Piper fell asleep, all the while hoping that Alex would still be there when she awoke.

* * *

 _A/N 2: I hope you enjoyed this. It was just a scene I couldn't get out of my head and wanted to write down._

 _With that being said, I really to want to finish "Hardest of Hearts" and my San Junipero fics. There have been a few reasons that have caused me to put off writing/put those stories on the back burner, but I'm starting to get back into it again, and making time each night to write. So, if anyone is waiting on these stories, hopefully you won't have to wait too much longer._

 _Let me know what you think!_


End file.
